Recognizing a Narcissist

 Recognizing a narcissist is not easy.  It's not like they wear signs on their foreheads.  But there are sometimes telltale indications. 

 There is a type of narcissism, that shows all signs of self-satisfaction.  Such a Narcissist may not really listen to what others have to say.  He is most certainly not interested even if he makes a pretense of listening.

 Sometimes a Narcissist has a peculiar facial expression.  A kind of glow or smile which can give an impression of smugness to some, or of beatific, trusting, childlikeness to others.  In extreme forms, narcissism can manifest as a peculiar glitter in the eyes.  Some may see this as half-saintliness, others as half-craziness.

 I would have to say that my Narcissist often appeared very smug and self-satisfied.  I remember my second date with him.  I was probably a bit early, or maybe he was a few minutes late.  I was sitting on a bench.  I saw him walking up the path.  I remember a feeling of repulsion.  A man simply full of himself.  When I asked him how he was, he told me that he was very pleased and happy.  He had just finished teaching the first class of the semester.  So I brushed off my feelings of what I had observed.  Yes, he was very pleased and happy because something he enjoyed has just occurred.  Little did I know that I would spend so much time sitting around waiting for that smug and self-satisfied creature who was always late.  



Narcissism and Sanity

 For an infant, people, objects, or places have not yet emerged as real.  But for an insane person, people, objects, and places have ceased to be real.  Neither an infant nor a lunatic can be engaged in a rational discourse because neither recognizes such a discourse as having any relevance to THEIR REALITY.  They are not in the world outside of their own bodies.

 

There is a kind of narcissism which lies on the borderline of sanity and insanity.  The megalomaniac.  Hitler and Stalin are examples of such men.  Ladies forget those big boys.  Haven't we all lived with our own enfant terrible?

 

Megalomaniacs and dictators attain absolute power.  Their word is the ultimate judgment in everything including who will live and who will die.  They become living gods who only become human when stopped by their own death.  Megalomaniacs attempt to transcend the limitations of human existence by pretending that there is no limit to their own greed, lust, and power.   This is a madness.  Nevertheless, the megalomaniac is not considered insane.  In obtaining power,  the megalomaniac forces everybody to agree that he is a god -- the most powerful man.  Since everybody seems to agree -- everybody legitimizes the madness.  Therefore he is not insane.

 

And that's what happened in my house.  My N controlled everything.  Me, my time, my body, my money.  Everything belonged to him.  Heaven help me if I refused to do what he wanted even a curtain could become an incident which made the history of the Balkans seem like child's play.  A malignant narcissist is similar to a bawling child--it is so much easier to give these types what they want than to negotiate.  But there is no negotiating with a narcissist.  That's why one must simply "get it" and get out.  Step out of the madness.

  

Narcissism v. Egoism

Sometimes one wonders if a person is really a narcissist--as in suffering form a personality disorder.  Or is the person just a selfish jerk?  That is, maybe just egotistical.  Sometimes it is not easy to distinguish between an egoist and a narcissist. 

An egoist is often in need of praise and admiration as a result of his self-doubts and low self-esteem.  An egoist has little concern, love or sympathy for others.  But this does not mean that the egoist over evaluates his subjective processes.  An extreme egoist is not necessarily an extreme narcissist.  An egoist is selfish.  Selfishness is not necessarily blindness to reality.

Intense narcissism implies an inability to experience reality in its fullness.  A genuine narcissist is not interested in the world outside of himself.  He usually does not listen to what others say, nor is he interested.  A clever narcissist will make a point to ask questions and appear interested. 

My N once told me, "My ex-mother-in-law thought I was an extreme egoist."  I sat there and pondered that one.  At that time I wasn't really sure what an egoist was--but I thought, "That doesn't sound too good."  But I do remember a dinner conversation when I was recounting a story about two of my very good friends whom N had met several times.  After I finished he became quite angry & disgruntled.  He told me flat out that he was bored by my conversation which was about people he didn't even know.  I was a bit stunned.  I didn't understand.  Now I do.

These people, they tell us who & what they are.  Mine minimized what he was by saying he was considered and egoist.  But essentially, he admitted.  And he even told me, I don't want to hear about anything that doesn't have to do with me or my interests.  But it was all so foreign to me at the time.  I projected myself and my interests on him.  I believed that he was a person with feelings and empathy just as myself.  Actually, at the time, I hardly understood what empathy was.  I took it all for granted.  I took normalcy for granted. 

There is a notion that we cannot really understand something until we know or experience the opposite-of-something.  We cannot know what "white" is until we can compare "black" and other colors.  I never really understood what it meant to be a decent, empathetic and caring human being until I was dragged through the maelstrom of life with a malignant narcissist.

 

Primary Narcissism

Narcissism is a word so frequently used but rarely defined.  Actually, even when one steps right into the middle of the web of the narcissist one can be unaware of the malignant force which will eventually suck the life force out of the ensnared victim.

Perhaps a narcissist is so difficult to recognize because, in the beginning, we are all narcissists.  Narcissism is a component of human nature--a matter of degrees.

PRIMARY NARCISSISM.  A newborn infant has no relationship with the people, objects, or places.  An infant cannot distinguish himself from the people, objects, or places that surround him.  An infant is not interested in people, objects, or places which may surround him.  The only reality that exists for an infant is the infant himself--his feeling of warmth or cold, hunger or thirst, wakefulness or sleepiness.

The Low Door In the Wall

Some four years have passed since I left my N.  I escaped.  You too can escape.  Sadly I did not keep up with this blog journal which I started when I was just beginning to realize that something was profoundly wrong in my marriage.  And the problem was not ME -- as my N always told me.  Somehow I passed through the low door in the wall and freed myself from the web of the narcissist.  And you can too.