The Narcissist and Me

Cafe

2009-10-12T18:16:00.000-07:00

Mask of Sanity

2009-10-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

The masks. I am haunted by the masks. Only in the night do the masks dance their devilish waltz to my torment. In the darkness, the mask slips. Unmasked. The illusion of sanity aborts. All that remains is an abyss. And I am hurtled into a maelstrom of nothingness.

The masks hang in the entry hall of his house. A house which was also once my house, but was, from the very beginning, always his house. While living in his house, I was permitted a minor role in the farce of which he was the impresario. His collection of masks heralded the entry into his interior. These masks were of symbolic importance to him. An importance he could never quite articulate. My intuition told me that this was some hyper-intellectual posing. On one hand, the masks in the entry referenced his academic refinement. A witty allusion to deconstructionist theory. On the other hand, the masks in the entry were a warning. Beware! All who enter the inner sanctum shall be deconstructed.

The mask. The post-modern subject as a construct existing only through repeated displacements onto mask after mask. His masks projecting some histrionic imitation of human sentiment which filled all the available space in our collaborative emotional life with utter substance-less-ness. In some macabre twist, I know that he knows that his interior self is nothing but a yawning gap of vacant-ness. In the entry way of his house, his collection of masks proclaim to all who enter that he merely wears the mask of sanity.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

2009-01-18T08:08:00.000-08:00

What's love got to do with it? Maybe nothing. My N says he loves me. I suppose he does -- whatever that means to him. This morning he wakes up. Asks me why I do not touch him any more? Why I do not initiate sex? Am I not attracted to him? Well no, not really. Why should I be? After all that has been said & done. All the name-calling, the lies, & the manipulations -- tantrums which out do even Ingmar Bergman. Even last week, he said that the sex was not satisfactory because I was doing the things he wants to please him . . . but not to please myself. But isn't that what it's all about? Pleasing him? If I want something . . . that's what you want . . . not what he wants. But now we have forgiven the past & putting that behind us, so I cannot say that I do not feel much in that direction after the criticism leveled at me for my hollow performance last week. Oh sex was enjoyable enough for him . . . but his wife was not electrified by his performance. What performance? I act on him. Fulfill his fantasies. He just lies there being acted on. Then moves to do his extravaganza. Today . . . same scenario. However, afterwards he tells me that he is frustrated. Wife gets all the "moves" right but there is something missing. That 'certain je ne sait quoi.' Gee! Like I agree 100% man. But like it's all about him & what he's missing. Does he ever give anything? If he wants something then perhaps he should lead in that direction. Like if he wants his wife electrified by his performance, then maybe he should perform. But I have come to realize that there is nothing there but an abyss. I am receding away. There is nothing in his mirror. He sees nothing when he looks at me. He is so unable to come up with anything himself. Just his criticisms of what is missing . . . what he does not like to see . . . literally NOT SEE in me. I think he honestly feels some pain & sadness. But it's got nothing to do with me. He told me that he felt angry. But he's not getting angry. But that he reacts with anger because he's frustrated. But anger is not the way to get what he wants. Wow! An insight. So I cautiously say . . . Well, it's like a child crying & screaming to have a candy bar. The child makes it so difficult NOT TO GIVE the candy bar. He seemed to recognize that. This N has made our life one huge temper tantrum to get what he wants. He seems to have thought that he could excite his wife sexually by terrifying her! I read somewhere that these guys do not develop past a certain age. I find I am having an easier time of it when I reflect & say to myself . . . N is a 6 year old. Once, I remember Phil Donahue (remember Phil? The king of the daytime talk show before Oprah.) Phil's got a prostitute on his show. Phil's getting a churchy on us asking her: "How can you do what you do?" The prostitute, with those long fingernails & her mini skirt, just looks at Phil, bats her eyes, smiles, and turns the tables on him: "Oh it's so easy. If you can babysit a 4 year old, you can do what I do. It's very easy." So this is where I am. My N has a real problem with prostitution. He could never pay for sex. But you don't pay for sex . . . you pay her to go away after sex. The prostitute is paid to be emotionless. Anyhow, I have realized that my N needs to feed on the emotions of others . . . I suppose it is what is called the narcissistic supply. If you pay her . . . there is no pretense of adoration . . . nothing there . . . N would be forced to see the reflection of his own abyss, his own nothingness. I wonder if I will ever understand what N's sense of love has got to do with us or his perceptions of me, or even of himself. It's something I hope I will not have to concern myself with for much longer.

Jekyll & Hyde

2009-01-17T13:06:00.000-08:00

Today we are in Jekyll & Hyde mode. I am feeling badly. He's as sweet as apple pie. Even apologized for keeping me waiting! Very rare. He senses my reserve. He's really controlling his anger. He promised not to get angry anymore if we can forget & forgive the past. I had to do some research on this. Glad I saw that this Jekyll & Hyde thing is usual. I know I sensed it. But I feel so crazy. I cannot trust my instincts. It is so good for me to read & learn that -- yeah -- it just does not pass the tummy test. Like I want to trust & to believe that life can be better than this. Like I do not relish the idea of being alone . . . again. What if it can work out? Am I hysterical? Sometimes I feel that I am the narcissist. So riddled with self-doubt here. Just hanging on. Trying to stay sane. Not getting suckered in again. It was helpful to read that the niceness is just another means of control. Like screaming. It's all control & manipulation. I wonder if they are conscious of what they are doing? I feel like I am paranoid. Nobody can be this evil.

Divorce

2009-01-16T04:03:00.000-08:00

I find it amazing that N has been talking about divorce from almost the beginning. Some 6 months into the marriage. The first time I remember he chased me all over the house. Followed me into a room. Closed the door. Sat on the floor, his back against the closed door. I was trapped. I receded into the closet. He set forth the terms of the divorce which he found acceptable, that is, what property he would get. A few months later he wrote in a letter that we do not get along & he wanted a divorce. Always a divorce. If you don't go to that function, I will divorce you. I regret marrying you. If we weren't married, then this relationship would be over. Now when the wolf is at the door, so to say, divorce is not the thing he wants. He says I play with him. I find this to be a projection of what he's doing to me. Toying with me. This whole therapy thing. If I don't appreciate that he's trying to save the marriage . . . weep weep . . . sucking me in. Or this whole thing about forgiveness. Forgive him everything . . . all on his terms so that he does not have to have the reflection of what he has done staring him down. He wants to erase the responsibility for what he has done. How can a person say & do such awful things & feel no responsibility? According to N, what is said in anger does not count. I tend to say so much less. The old adage: Be careful of what you say, you might regret it later. N is never careful about what he says & he never regrets. In fact, he goes on & on trying to convince me that his talk of divorce on a regular basis is a manifestation of the depth of his pain. I need to focus on the depth of his pain because I should have no pain related to his constant demand for a divorce. But when I say I want a divorce --it's a crime against HIM? There are no crimes against me. Only crimes against HIM.

Clean Slate?

2009-01-15T15:08:00.000-08:00

My narcissist says that he wants to start with a clean slate. Forgive the past. Forgiveness. He's really sorry for everything -- EVERYTHING. (I cannot ask for clarification on what exactly is everything. Like. I know that I do not know what is important or not. & I do not infer or imagine the things that I should. Ever have anyone really angry because of what you DID NOT imagine?) Me -- I am not supposed to "rankle" any more about the past.

We had a huge fight. Really a series of huge fights over Christmas. For 18 months he's told me regularly he wants a divorce. I said no. After the holidays, & a really huge fight, where he was throwing things & sobbing on the floor like a 6 year old, he decided we needed therapy. I did not want that because it has dawned on me what exactly is happening here . . . narcissism. (Never really understood what a narcissist was.) A thought occurred to me . . . heck . . . therapist would be his ally. This is why he wants therapy. When I asked why therapy? He said, the therapist would translate what he was saying to me so that I could understand him. Did that validate my paranoia, or what? I said, No. Then he said, if you don't go to therapy, we are getting a divorce.

So we went to the therapist -- he really snookered her -- and I did not understand that which I was supposed to under the medium of therapy. Of course my Narcissist was enraged. Of course, a huge argument. Ultimately, I said I wanted a divorce. The first time I have ever said that. So this has been going back & forth a few days. Then yesterday he sends an e-mail about the clean slate thing. We talk about this last night. I was like . . . this is serious . . . I don't know. Can we like reflect?

Then he says . . . no . . . I have to know now. I don't want to get my hopes up to have them dashed again.

HIM!!! Again all about him.

You know he pulls on me. "I love you." I think like, why can't this work. Maybe he's changed. But I doubt it. Then I realize . . . no time to reflect. HE can't get his hopes up.

Oh, he like promises never to get angry again. Like can a fish walk on land?